Gender Euphoria — the rarely discussed cousin of Gender Dysphoria.

For years I suffered from Gender Dysphoria.

Every trans person describes it slightly differently, but here’s my take: However good life was, there was always a strange, unsettled buzz in the back of my head telling me that this was all wrong. It felt like one of those movies where the hero wakes up in some altered world or parallel universe and some vital detail is changed. The protagonist knows that somehow it wasn’t supposed to be this way, but at the same time everyone else around them seems to be reacting to this strange reality like it’s completely normal. Just massive cognitive dissonance.

Sometimes this feeling was a quiet murmur in the back of my brain. Perhaps a little like owning a house a distance away from a busy road. Perfectly pleasant, but there is always a gentle background noise of cars that you can tune out. Other times the feeling was more like being stood in the middle of that road with the cars roaring past in either direction and impossible to ignore or even hear other people over.

Fortunately, post physical and social transition, the noise from that road feels barely perceptible now. I still have a bad couple of days from time to time, but few and far between.

Most of the rest of the time I feel “normal” and like most of the population, don’t think about my gender much, much in the same way you don’t notice breathing until you concentrate on it or something causes you become aware of it.

But occasionally, I have these other moments. This morning I was sat in a restaurant in a hotel eating breakfast. A woman, sat across the room behind several tables of people, caught my eye. She looked exactly like I’d like to look somehow. There was something about her that was kind of interesting. Maybe it was the way she was sat or the way her hair was. This analysis took place, as these internal conversations do, in a fraction of a second. In the very next fraction of a second, I realised that there was a mirror on the far side of the room and the woman that I was looking at was actually me. I hadn’t recognised myself. I guess I’d kind of forgotten who I’d become as I scanned the room. She was me. I then felt a rush of incredulous excitement that I’d made it to the other side; A rush of gratitude and happiness that I have been in this position and been able to go on this journey. Complete joy.

This exact experience has happened to me half a dozen times before. The last time I was sat in a wine bar and saw a woman sitting on the other side… spoiler: she was me. Each time I feel this incredible cognitive dissonance that all my lifelong wishes came true.

I have heard similar stories from across the trans community and although the phrase Gender Euphoria is often used to describe it, it’s still not a well known concept — especially amongst the non-trans population.

Clearly feeling joyous and happy is massively better than depressed and confused, but I do wonder slightly if this is a false friend. Ultimately the goal of my transition was/is to get to the other side. I want to live a life pretty analogous to any non trans person, with regular hobbies and relationships and ambitions and failures. This sense of euphoria, while breathtaking is a little reminder that at some level sitting in that restaurant was an extraordinary experience for me in that moment. I want to find a way of retaining the gratitude that I have that I got to do this thing, but the goal has to be for highs to fade eventually just as the lows have done so that my transition can really be complete.